Even, the girl who lives in the room above mine, wants to know if I was ever caught masturbating when I was young.

"No," I tell her. "But I once caught my Dad. It was very humiliating for the both of us, and I don't think I've ever seen him in the same light since."

No." She sighs, "I don't suppose you would." Her voice takes its time, this sardonic husk with a honeycomb centre.

"What about you?" I ask.

"No," she says, with a typically rye smirk, "I never caught my Dad jerking off."