STYLE OVER FASCISM

Mellisa has her knees securely fastened together with duct tape... her hair has been cut using nail scissors for that imprecise, emotionally unstable urchin look; her vest is made entirely out of waterproof plasters, and her shades are the faces of dolls...

[applause]

"Long Pig Surprise, a dish from my childhood," says the naked chef, "and very, very special."

My full stops are all back-to-front: I'm taking a bath at midnight, getting changed, having breakfast at around 1.30 am. Taking an hours nap at around 5 o'clock [in the real world, this is about the time I'm falling asleep on the bus home from work.] I need to start looking for a place to live.

"When I first moved to your country," the chef continues, "the only things I knew how to cook were toasted bagels and Long Pig Surprise..."

Rollo