In an effort to compensate for increasing competition from new media and the internet, and in the hope of appearing more 'modern', the likes of Warner Brothers are set to re-release drastically altered versions of some of their all time classic films. The very latest in CGI graphics technology and digital editing techniques will be heavily employed in an attempt to 're-mix' some of Hollywood's most respected mainstream and cult movies:

The original Star Wars trilogy will see yet another update, after the surprisingly lo-fi 'digitally remastered' releases, with Mark Hamill's Luke Sky Walker being digitally replaced by former child actor Macaulay Culkin. Keanu Reeves and Busta Rhymes replacing Han Solo and Chewbacca. Members of So Solid Crew will replace the characters of Darth Vader and The Evil Emperor, whilst their over-sized entourage will be cast as Storm Troopers. The Death Star will also be transformed into a seedy, high-tech, orbiting super-club, and the force will be re-named 'the vibe'.

The Monkies TV series is set to be released on DVD this summer, but will now star members of The Prodigy, with Oxide and Nutrino stepping in as the bad-guys.

The Alien movies will be entirely re-shot, with, predictably, Britney Spears replacing Signourey Weaver's tough space fairer Ripley with a more vulnerable, undignified, naive, school-girl type character. Inexplicably, the first three movies will now be set within the gothic confines of the New York club scene.

Again, members of So Solid Crew will replace the original Giger designed 'Alien', whilst the only familiar creature elements to be retained will be a certain athletic, ceiling-climbing ability [which the Solid Crew continue to claim they will be performing 'for real', and the metallic, translucent teeth [and, unsurprisingly, the Solid Crew have resorted to actual surgical implants, in their usual thoughtless, crass style].

Back to the Future will also star 90's children's TV presenter Pob as 'Marty Mcfly' and Denzel Washington as 'Doc Emmett Brown'. Garbage's Shirley Manson will play Lorraine Mcfly, with So Solid Crew's Megaman appearing as 'Biff'.

A series of Batman and Robin movies will see the caped crusaders cast in a far darker light than before: with Robbie Williams and Paul Weller playing the duo as aging, E'd up clubber / footy lads by day, crime fighting playboy DJ's by night. Nigella Lawson is rumored to be top of a long list to play Cat Woman, whilst Graham Norton will play The Penguin, and popular right wing TV comedian Jim Davidson will play The Joker.

Corrupt [also known as Cop Killer], originally starring Harvey Keitel as a corrupt cop, and former Sex Pistol John Lydon as a twisted cop killer, will be re-released under the title of 'Cop Killa', with the CGI-spliced faces of popular yoof entertainers Billy Crystal and Eminem taking the lead rolls.

Most surprising of all is the planned remake of Fight Club. Perhaps the first truly Zeros movie, Fight Club will be re-christened Kick Boxing Crew, with the UK's own David Grey replacing Edward Norton's neurotic insomniac, and various members of So Solid Crew playing the now eight-fold Tyler Durdens.

The Doors Movie will retain its original cast, but will be digitally re-edited in order for the film to tell the story of popular beat-combo Limp Biskit.

A new series of movies based on Doctor Who [a kind of time travelling alcoholic DJ from the 1960's] are also in the pipeline, with UK rapper Tricky, the suitably fictional Ali G, comedian Johnny Vegas, Stephen Hawking, and John Lydon each taking on the roll of the Doctor, along side Angelina Jolie, Kylie, Liz Cocteau, and David Grey as his assistants. The Master [The Doctor's arch enemy] will be played by Megaman [So Solid Crew], Siouxsie Sioux [Siouxsie and The Banshees], Posh Spice, and others.

The Beatle's classic animated 'Sgt. Pepper' movie is currently being re-sequenced, with the story line and soundtrack now firmly centered around the music and voices of Oasis, as everybody prefers Oasis these days anyway. The Man Who Fell To Earth is to be serialized, with Bowie's roll played by the likes of Moby, Brett Anderson [Suede], and Pink.

Ghostbusters will now star members of Blink 182, Sum 42, Green Day and other 'melodic punk' bands.

The previously unreleased Joy Division Movie 'Close' will now star Jarvis Cocker [Pulp] as JD front-man Ian Curtis, whilst the film's editors seems to be attempting to strike an unlikely balance between depicting the story of Pulp and Joy Division as one and the same band.

Classic TV will see similar treatments, with Cheers re-set as an exclusive Soho night-club run by Dianne [Celine Dion], alongside 'Sam' [Fatboy Slim] a top DJ and former TV Sports presenter. Woody [Eminem] and 'The Coach' [David Grey] will also re-appear as the hapless Doormen.

The Prisoner movie is rumored to be ready for launch, and boasts, tragically, 'Robbie Williams' as Number 6, and tragically, Robbie Williams as Number 2. The illusive Number 1 will be played by Robbie Williams.

Perhaps most tragic of all, popular mockney TV star Jamie Oliver will now replace Michael Caine in the likes of The Italian Job and Alfie.

Rollo Kim