I've been sat at this desk for so long my butt has gone numb. I was supposed to be out but I got carried away with this story thing. Oh nearly there.

So a friend sent me a couple of links for 'musicians wanted' because they are sick of me going on about this desperate urge to do something with my time.

And so I'm trawling through this massive list [because although I do know some cool players they know me too well - they know I'm a git! They know I've got too much time!] - and I've come to this conclusion that my contradictions will be the death of me: I love punk. I love new wave music, the groovy darkwave stuff like Scorn, I love electronica and rappers like Tricky, MC Solaar, people like Gang Starr, Autechre, Leftfield etc, and crooners like Scott Walker, David Sylvian, Frank the Don etc. But I'm not rock enough. I'm not an MC. I'm cetainly not a crooner! I could never pretend to be.

It has taken me years and years to find the courage to really do this - because I always knew I wanted to but I was forever suffering - just playing an instrument in a band for some egotistical singer who was convinced he was going to be jesus [hello Andy, hello Jay, hello Si, hello Mander! I know you've been here cause I can see it on the site meter! Nur Nur!]. I might not feel the need to 'heal the world' with my 'rock anthems' but it's something I really enjoy, and maybe I do need to do it.

And so I start looking through the bands and the DJ's and I suddenly realise that this won't work - my voice isn't like that at all. It's bordering on croon for god's sake! It makes people want to sleep and shag! Maybe I need a piano playing lounge room person?!?!! I've joked about doing this before - a post-ambient croon session but nobody takes me seriously. I think that I'm coming to this point where I realize that all I want to do is just sing - regardless of what people think, regardless of what comes of the results. Maybe I'm actually getting somewhere with this whole 'sorting my head out' business. But I doubt it.

But I'm sure I'm waking up to parts of myself that I'd completely forgotten about - all these emotional aspects I was too bloody exhausted and isolated to feel [the ability to really get angry, to shout, to just talk crap or hold someone for hours on end, the way I never phone anyone, the way I haven't seen people like Andy in months but I'll always find em again eventually.]