I'm sorry I'm late, I had trouble parking my rhino. (The rhino being the traditional mode of travel of my people.) I found a nice spot for it in the park, but an attendant threatened to charge me with a fine.

"A fine for what?" I asked him.
"Littering." He snapped.
"You can't charge me with littering for parking a rhino. I won't be long, and anyway, a rhino is a biodegradable substance."

Then I had to go to the doctors, to collect my test results. As she suspected, I have something called 'Detached Reflection Syndrome'. There is often quite a noticeable delay between my actions and the actions of my reflection. A classic symptom.

"So what do I do about it?" I asked her.
"Get yourself a faster mirror." She said.

Actually, I'm not being entirely honest with you. The rhino is not the traditional mode of transportation of 'my people'. Most Gothnicks north of the Watford Gap prefer to travel by snow leopard. But in the south of England I've found it's easier to feed a rhino than it is a snow leopard. With a rhino, you just let it loose in your nearest Waitrose for a couple of hours. A snow leopard can't really be left unattended as it is far more likely to gorge itself on kids.

A rhino might knock over a few more stacks of discounted tinned goods, but a lot less people get hurt. It's easier to spot a rhino heading down your isle than it is a snow leopard, believe me, I speak from experience.

Rollo Kim

I've lost my head. I can't remember how it happened, seeing as how I lost my brain along with it. But if I concentrate really hard, I can still sort of 'see' and 'hear'. So it's not all bad.

But my mum is coming to town for a visit. I've told her that I don't want to see her, which is lucky because I no longer have access to my eyes. But she insists on seeing me. I have to meet her at the train station. She is understandably disappointed in me. I walk on ahead, quickening my pace, feeling utterly miserable and dejected, trying to get myself lost. If I had my eyes I would use them to cry.

Rollo Kim