Rollo Kim: The Desert Spoon

I'm on a sleeper train to Imercia. I've ended up traveling with a girl named Lucy, or Miss Farr as she prefers to be called. Miss Farr is something of a free spirit, a seeming vagrant, and a trouble maker. She delights in causing confusion at every opportunity. She flits between politeness and accusatory questioning in an instant.

And you know how it is. Your muscles ache with the warm, bruised fatigue of a journey that's gone on a few hours too long. And every hour feels like a day. And some scared part of you is trying to convince other more rested parts of you that you've been awake for maybe 200 hours in a row.

You find an empty carriage, a table that seems somehow tucked away from the rest. And then people begin pouring in around you and each one acts like they're in their own front room and there's no one else around.

When the gentleman with the trolley arrives she intentionally helps him to spill her drink across the table, then feigns surprise as the fizzing fluid cascades onto clothing, carpet, shoes. He's a tired guy. Young. Obviously bored. The expression on his face says he's been here a dozen times this week already.

"You did that deliberately!" I tell her.
"No he didn't!" She laughs out the words.

Miss Farr is a delicious tomboy with a youthful glow about her flesh. Negative energies glint her big green eyes. Mischief tugs at the corners of her big brooding mouth. I want to devour her. I'm worried that I am some kind of closet cannibal and I'll end up on some kind of seedy registered cannibal offenders list.

She empties the contents of her hip-flask into her little plastic glass.

Tabloids will make me famous and they'll only ever use pictures of me where I look twice my age, with what they've made look like a pervert's smirk on my face.

"So," she says, stirring her drink with a nail-bitten finger, "you're on a magickal quest..."
"No I'm not. Why are you saying that?"
"Cause mister, I'm psychic. So don't try to hide anything from me. I can destroy you with a word."
And now I'm thinking, wow, you're really quite an unpleasant person aren't you?
And she says "I'm the most honorable person you will ever meet."

Why can't life just be nice and good and warm and safe and all that holding hands in front of the tv stuff?

One of the loud, boozy young men in the seats behind her is peering down her top with the camera on his phone. He's not even trying to be discreet.

She lets out a sigh, reaches up and gets her hand around the back of the young man's neck. Holds him there for so long that his shouts start to disturb the other passengers. When the guards on the train arrive, he's still clutching the phone, in obvious pain, trying to pull himself away with his teeth bared and his tongue sticking out of his mouth.

"Is there a problem?" Asks one of the guards.
"This guy is trying to take pictures of my tits." She says.
And all I can think is, is there any way I can sit here and appear just even slightly dignified?





Rollo Kim

I was going to do a review of the MUTATE EP. But they just told me it's time to check out, and I think my penis was poking out of my underwear when I answered the door. I didn't have time to find my trousers, and it was early. Probably should go.

Rollo Kim

TO TEENS AT A BUS STOP. sic.

Ken: You see the news last night? Man, it's like the whole world is at war...

Pete: I did see it yeah. You know, it was alright like, but the filming is dead basic you know? It's like your Dad filmed it or something. Why can't they CGI it? I mean look at Gears of War 2 - make it more like that you know? Max out the RAM on the whole thing. It'd be way more real. I'd be well into that.

Rollo Kim

PORNO KISSES

With his Indie Kid Boy Band looks and the innocent glint she'd had surgically implanted into her eyes, they were going all the way.

A massive house, no semi-detached crap, and not too far from their Mum and Dad's places; a load of nice motors, posh furniture, massive TV. Massive TV. All the way. And their faces would shine from the pages of Heat and Sun, stepping out of nice motors. Total fucking bling.

And they were on the way. Whilst still keeping it real mind, keeping it street, not that they'd be seen dead now talking to the people they knew before. And they would glow with pride when their folk's would call them 'The Posh and Becks' of the town.

She got herself an agent, and she was going all the way. She's going to have an audition for East Fucking Enders, that's what they say.

She's doing a cover of a Kylie song. Her agent says how 'we need to get right in there - hit them where it hurts, take no prisoners'. He starts talking about how she's 'got a face' for TV. Then how he'll get her in the magazines. Modeling work like. Good for her fan base.

A 'pro photographer' he knows takes some shots. She doesn't worry that there's no make-up artist, or proper lighting, and it's just in this bloke's spare room, cause she knows she'll look better than the best without all that crap anyway.

Meanwhile, the Becks of the team keeps his crew close at hand, shots all round from 12 'til 12. A pumped and permanently tensed Adonis in a rugby shirt and enough gold to make his old gran proud. Always at the bar and he might have to buy this place.

But pints and the threat of a fight or the promise of a fuck in the gents don't seem to be enough no more. Even when the crew hold the guy down for him. Or the girl. He's getting broody. Wants to settle down now.

Let her have her fun, 'body of a porn star' he tells them. And 'Porno kisses.' But who's going to cook for the kids? When they have kids. He should always be the last one home. 'That's the rules'.

Then her agent starts talking about 'video work'. They'll put a DVD together like - for the TV people and Movies and stuff. It'll be fun like. You'll be in control like all the way babe, only don't do it like this cause blokes don't like to see a girl expressing herself like that. Do it like this. That's it. Good girl. Now you're getting it. That's beautiful that is. Fucking beautiful. Like a beautiful fucking poem. Now let's try some of the toys. Just a bit of fun. You're beautiful.

And she wasn't worried that there was no camera man this time, because she wouldn't feel comfortable with a load of people around, and she can trust her agent. And maybe it'd be good to spend the weekend at his place. Move in a few of her things.