I'm sharing a house with a load of vampires. They are at war with another family of vampires that live down the street. It's an ancient battle between feuding vampire house-mates. Someone always ends up coming home covered in blood and bruises.

I want to tell you their whole story but whenever I sit down to write, one of them comes in the room, covered in blood, for a chat. There are also all manner of strange supernatural beings about the place and it's really difficult to get a good night's sleep.

Things get too much when one of the house announces that he's discovered a bunch of their ancestors sealed up inside a sort of space ship he's dug up in the garden. They drag the thing into the TV room and begin the ritual / decontamination procedures necessary to activate the sleeping vampsestors. But when they wake up they start attacking us. Also, no one can understand their ancient dialect and ridiculous accents. Their clothes look really naff too.

So I start building myself a little house out of cardboard and plaster-of-paris. I'm going to live in that. It's got a water feature.

But before I can move in I get tangled up in the battle and end up a prisoner of the other household. They force me to travel with them to their home-land, at the edge of the world. It's nice. I get introduced to all sorts of interesting vampires and they are all keen to meet a real life Earth Being who doesn't even enjoy the site of blood, let alone ingesting vast quantities of the stuff.

When I finally make it back home, I go to my doctor to see if he can cure me of my obvious delusions. But it turns out he's totally obsessed with vampires and wants me to introduce him to the house. He's got this weird little sculpture of how he thinks vampires dispose of the remains of their victims. It's got a water feature.

Rollo Kim